Operation: Pigeon Droppings
by GeezerWench
Summary: Edward was warned to stay away from Bella. When he didn't, Jacob and Embry decided to do something about it. Twilight AU. Crackfic, humor. Language (for you delicate flowers). Written for the Tricky Raven's April Fools' Advanced Drabble-Writing Challenge Week of 03/29 – 04/04/2015 (Week 13). Jacob, Embry, Quil, Bella, Charlie Swan, Edward.
1. Chapter 1: Tick Fricassee

Date: 04/05/2015

Title: Tick Fricassee

Pairing/Characters (for fanfiction): Jacob, Embry, Quil

Rating: G / K+

Genre: Friendship

Word Count: (MUST BE 100)

Prompt: "I would love to have an army of robot attack pigeons."

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: the challenge was to write a 100-word drabble for each prompt chosen by Tricky Raven admins. At the second prompt of the week, I got it in my head that I should try and work all these drabbles together under a common theme. I didn't write them in order, precisely. It's how the prompts kind of fell.

There are six 100-word drabbles. They'll be put in order here.

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~O~ _**Tick Fricassee**_ ~O~

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"Whatcha doin', Jake?"

"Hey, Quil. Me and Embry are building a little surprise for the leech."

Quil peered over their shoulders. "You got like a dozen … what are they? Mechanical chickens?"

After placing another feather on the object in front of him, Embry frowned. "They're _pigeons_. Chickens don't fly. Edward won't stay away from Bella like she told him."

Jacob pulled Quil closer. "They're camouflaged drones. We added little glass bottles of gasoline to their chests. On impact, these matches will hit the striker, the bottles break, and … boom! Tick Fricassee!"

Impressed, Quil nodded. "I think it'll work."

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~O~ ~O~ ~O~


	2. Chapter 2: Pigeon Drop Op

Date: 04/01/2015

Title: Operation: Pigeon Droppings

Pairing / Characters (for fanfiction): Jacob, Quil, Embry

Rating: T (language)

Genre: Action

Word Count: (MUST BE 100)

Prompt: Photo of cross stitch sampler with the phrase "Damn it feels good to be a gangster."

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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~O~ _**Operation: Pigeon Droppings**_ ~O~

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"No time to explain, Quil," Jacob shouted. "Get in the car!"

Embry was rubbing his hands together. "_Operation: Pigeon Droppings_ is about to commence."

Quil dove into the car, Embry hopped in, and the trio was fishtailing down the road.

"Pigeon Droppings?"

"Embry's idea. It's almost as bad as something _you'd_ come up with." Jake grumbled.

"Hey!" Embry sounded insulted. "They're pigeons that are dropping on the shit head leech. It's a _great_ name."

Quil snorted. "I _still_ think they look like chickens."

"You in or not?" Jacob growled.

"I'm in!" Quil nodded, grinning. "Damn, it's good to be gangster."

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~O~ ~O~ ~O~


	3. Chapter 3:Chicken Bombs and Peeping Toms

Date: 04/05/2015

Title: Chicken Bombs and Peeping Toms

Pairing / Characters (for fanfiction): Jacob, Embry, Quil

Rating: T

Genre: suspense, humor

Word Count: (MUST BE 100)

Prompt: The song _Take Me to Church_ by Hozier

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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~O~ _**Chicken Bombs and Peeping Toms**_ ~O~

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"You guys sure about this?" Quil peered through the foliage at the vampire voyeur.

Jacob elbowed him. "Chickening out? He, specifically, was warned and _look_—on his knees, staring up at Bella's window!"

Embry hissed. "Like he's praying for a peek at her underwear—pervert."

"Who wouldn't worship a girl's underwear?" Quil was baffled.

"Not _that_." Jacob rolled his eyes.

Embry slapped a remote into Quil's hand. "He's dead, creepy, and it's just _wrong_."

"If we attack him, shouldn't we be wolves?"

Jacob side-eyed him. "Nope. _That_ would be against the treaty."

"And chicken bombs aren't?"

Embry snarled. "They're _pigeons_!"

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~O~ ~O~ ~O~


	4. Chapter 4: Details at Eleven

Date: 04/05/2015

Title: Details at Eleven

Pairing / Characters (for fanfiction): Jacob, Embry, Quil, Bella, Edward Cullen

Rating: T

Genre: action

Word Count: (MUST BE 100)

Prompt: photo of two news anchors in front of a screen that shows a cheeseburger and is entitled Cheeseburger Stabbing.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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~O~ _**Details at Eleven**_ ~O~

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Embry silenced Quil with a hand and reported, "Pigeons have target on lock."

With unwavering focus, the Quileute trio directed their charges as Edward rose from his knees and glanced nervously through the forest canopy.

Wild-eyed, arms pin-wheeling, he dodged two feathered missiles, side-stepped another, but slammed into a fourth.

The spectacular, fiery explosion was jaw-dropping.

Bella's scream drew their awe-struck gaze to her window. Her eyes bugged out as Roman Candle Cullen streaked past them.

Quil gaped in disbelief.

Embry leaped and punched the air. "Yes!"

Jacob fell over, laughing. "Flaming Freak Fans Fear in Forks! Details at eleven."

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~O~ ~O~ ~O~


	5. Chapter 5: Rude Awakening

Date: 04/05/2015

Title: Rude Awakening

Pairing / Characters (for fanfiction): Charlie Swan, Bella Swan

Rating: T (language)

Genre: family

Word Count: (MUST BE 100)

Prompt: rather strange painting of a startled, jolted man in a lazy-boy recliner in front of a little TV. The weirdest part is his head is an alligator head and it's been popped off.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

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~O~ _**Rude Awakening**_ ~O~

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"What the _hell_?" Charlie shouted as he jolted awake from his little half-snooze, flinging his Vitamin R across the room.

"Nothing, Dad!" Bella answered from upstairs. "I … I just dropped my, uh, backpack and, um, stubbed my toe."

"Dammit! Spilled my beer," Charlie grumbled. More loudly he called, "Thought I heard a bang and a scream. You okay, Bells?"

"Fine, Dad. Never better!"

"Okay, honey." He hoisted himself out of his beloved recliner to grab the empty beer can. On his way to the kitchen, he was shocked by the sight before him.

"The Mariners are down ten runs!"

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~O~ ~O~ ~O~


	6. Chapter 6: Cupcake Congratulations

Date: 04/05/2015

Title: Cupcake Congratulations

Pairing / Characters (for fanfiction): Jacob, Embry, Quil, and Bella

Rating: T (language)

Genre: humor

Word Count: (MUST BE 100)

Prompt: song _You Fckn Did It_ by Jason Mraz

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: For the first prompt that was posted by the Tricky Raven Admins, I wrote an unrelated drabble. This drabble right here refers back to it with the pink cupcakes.

This is how I ended the week and April Fools' Drabble Challenge.

With a little nod to BetterinTexas.

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~O~ _**Cupcake Congratulations**_ ~O~

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When Bella arrived at Jake's bearing a box of goodies, they hauled her into the garage.

As one, they raised their warm sodas in celebration, cheering, "We fuckin' did it!"

"Edward's hair will _never_ grow back." Bella laughed, opening the box. "Have a cupcake!"

"_Pink_ icing? Sprinkles?" Embry asked.

"It's what I had."

"Sprinkles are for winners, Embry." Jacob winked at him. "To Tick Fricassee!"

"To chicken bombs!" Quil bellowed, grabbing two of the little pastel confections.

"They're _pigeons_!" Embry punched him.

"Boys!" A Sam-shaped shadow fell across the sprinkle-strewn floor. "And Bella."

Jake's fist crushed his cupcake. "Oh, shit."

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~O~ the end ~O~


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